Baby Pineapple
by Newtons1Law
Summary: Shawn tends to mess up a lot. Sure, it's true. But this wasn't a mess up, it wasn't a mistake. He was going to have Lassie's baby and it wasn't a mistake. At least it wouldn't be if Gus would stop telling everybody! Man just can't keep a secret! (P.S cover pic will change as baby grows) MPreg and Shassie
1. Shawn Rescues Darth Vader

**_"Love is all fun and games until someone loses an eye or gets pregnant." _**

**_~Jim Cole_**

Shawn was puking again, for the third time in one day. He'd always hated puking, ever since he was a kid. It was just nasty to have to taste your food all over again, when it was mixed with gooey bile and gastric juices. At least it wasn't a mystery as to why he was puking, or why there were three little white sticks on his bathroom countertop. All three off the sticks held the same result, just expressed in different ways. The test to the far right was sporting a pink plus sign, classic. The middle test was emblazoned with a little smiley face. While the test to the far left was the most conclusive of all, it broached no room for confusion as it had a fully-fledged word in its answer box. Pregnant. He, Shawn Spencer, was pregnant. Okay, so it wasn't totally uncommon for a guy to get pregnant. But Shawn hadn't even known he was a carrier! God, he hated that term. It made him sound like he was supposed to be a breeder or something, it was just disgusting to think about.

According to his mental calculations, he was supposed to be six weeks along. That was the last time he'd engaged in unprotected sex. Okay, so it was the only time. Lassie had gotten excited over something and it was still early in their relationship. He wasn't sure if he was supposed to ask about preference before he picked a condom, and if maybe Lassie had some on him, because Shawn's smelled like banana suntan lotion. It wasn't his fault that he'd grabbed the first thing off the wall! There had been a couple of old ladies staring at him, when he'd gone down the aisle to get them. Why oh, why did they put the condoms next to the feminine hygiene products and nail polish!? It just felt so unmanly! But anyway, they'd done it and neither of them had used a condom. Shawn hadn't thought too much of it then, but now he was pregnant and everything was all messed up! He scrubbed irritatedly at his eyes as his tears tumbled into his puke. So disgusting.

It was an hour or so before he managed to clean himself up and toss the little white sticks into the bathroom waste basket. He and Gus had a case. Some kid that didn't want his ex-best friend to leave with his prized Darth Vader toy. Shawn could already hear Gus' frantic honking outside of the Psych building he was currently in. He quickly slicked back his hair and pulled on his suit. It was a formal gathering after all. Before hurrying out of the building and hopping into the back of the Blueberry. The kid was in the front seat with Gus. It didn't take that long to get into the rich kid's house and he promised both Gus and the boy that he'd be out in a jiffy. It only took him a few moments to hop the gated fence and he sent out an apology to the baby because of the bumpy landing. He snuck inside quickly, bypassing the butler greeting people at the door and he shrugged on the abandoned red jacket of a valet. The jacket allowed him passage through the throng of people without delay and he soon discarded it and dumped it in a hay-filled, wooden wine crate on the countertop. He then proceeded to straighten his tie and grin. Shoving truffles and other assorts treats into his mouth, whilst the cook's back was turned. He was really hungry all of a sudden, but he blamed it on his second inhabitant as he walked on.

Shawn quickly snuck past security, using the old 'tap-on-the-wall' trick as he hurried up the stairs. He had to stifle a yawn as he did so. He practically jogged down the wood-carved hallway as he ducked into the boy's room and turned on his flashlight. He then proceeded to turn on his walkie-talkie.

"Okay, I'm in. Describe item."

Shawn ground out, in his super-spy voice. His flashlight was shining all about the room, looking over different kinds of toys and games. Even some stuffed animals. How old was this kid anyway? When Gus' voice came back through the communication device, it was sarcastic with no room for comment.

"Really? You've forgotten already?"

"Sorry, I was a bit busy James Bonding it up in here." Shawn hissed and he could practically hear Gus rolling his eyes as he put on his special voice. His 'explain-things-to-Shawn-like-he's-two' voice. God, how much he hated that voice. "It's a Star-Wars toy, Shawn. Easy as that, we went through this. Twice." There was a sudden rustling noise as the kid sitting in the passenger seat wrestled the phone out of Gus' grip, all to the older man's chagrin.

"It's not a toy, it's a collector's item! It's a pristine 1978 Darth Vader with a double telescoping light saber!"

Shawn ignored it as Gus and the kid argued in the hearing range of the walkie-talkie. Gus could be so childish sometimes. The psychic soon found himself, entertaining himself with one of the rich kid's games from his toy shelves. But soon enough, Gus' voice was back over the walkie-talkie, squawking at him like he was some over-grown bird. "That's it Shawn. This is the last time you take a case without me. Are you playing with the toys? Shawn, what the hell is going on?! Please tell me you're not eating! Shawn, I will leave you here. I will call in an anonymous tip that someone is in the upstairs bedroom. Yes I will." Shawn ignored Gus's prattling to explore more with the flashlight. That was when he found it. The mint-condition Darth Vader toy in the rich boy's desk drawer. Perfect! He raised his walkie-talkie up to his lips again.

"I've got it. Hundred percent sure!"

Shawn quickly left the rich boy's room and headed towards the stairs. Only to freeze as he heard two male voices in the stairwell. He quickly backpedaled towards the rooms and rushed into the one across from the rich boy's. It was unlocked and easy enough as he threw himself under the bed. His heart was pounding in his chest and his hands wrapped around his stomach. It was still flat, but he knew that there was a little flurry of life inside. And he was putting that little life in terrible, terrible danger. He only hoped that the baby would forgive him. The room was suddenly plunged in light as the security guards entered with their heavy black boots and menacing faces. That was when Shawn turned to the side to see a woman's body lying next to him. He nearly screamed but managed to bite his tongue. She was dead, she was obviously dead due to the lack of movement and the coldness of her skin. Just as Shawn thought he was in the clear, he heard a muffled sound from his walkie-talkie. Gus was squawking again.

"Shawn, where are you?!"

The security guards picked up on the sound, even as Shawn tried desperately to muffle it. Once they had finally exited, he left the dead body where it lay and hurried towards the windows, trying to unlatch them and make a quick getaway. But the creaking of the ancient window must've caught the guards' attentions, because soon they running into the room while Shawn was still struggling with the window. Finally, he managed to unlatch it and threw himself on the roof. He then began to run. Sending another silent apology to his unborn baby as he did so. He then threw himself off the roof and onto a blowup thing. It was a hard landing and he curled into himself so that his stomach wouldn't take any of the force. There went another apology to the kid. God, he was already being a bad father and the kid wasn't even born yet. Great.

He was running, running as fast as he could to get to the Blueberry and to Gus. Once he finally managed to reach the car, with the security guards only minutes behind, he launched himself into the passenger seat that the annoying kid had vacated. His best friend was glaring at him and shooting off questions before Shawn had even caught his breath. "What happened?"

"You want the good news or the bad news?"

"What do you think?"

Gus growled and Shawn held up the Darth Vader figurine he had managed to hold onto in his mad dash for freedom. He dropped his voice down to a deep pitch and growled, "I am not your mother." While Gus just rolled his eyes. "He didn't say that Shawn. What's the bad news?"

"I'm pregnant. Drive!"

"What?!"

Gus' very unmanly shriek could've taken down every bit of glass in a ten mile radius if Shawn hadn't clamped his hands over his best friend's mouth before then. Gus stared at his own best friend with surprise, confusion, terror and worry. It didn't take long before the man's eyes sunk lower than Shawn's eyes and he stared slack-jawed at Shawn's stomach. Then, Gus did the only thing that he thought of to do in such a situation. He fainted. With angry guards chasing them and whilst in the driver's seat of the Blueberry. He fainted. Thanks Gus. Can always count on you in these types of situations.

Shawn hurriedly got out of the car to shove his best friend into the passenger seat so the psychic could floor it and get them out of there. Also to get some smelling salts for Gus. Poor guy just kept dropping like a fly. Did they make pineapple bath salts? Could he name his baby 'Pineapple'? Was there a law against that?

-**TimeSkip**-

"Don't do this Shawn! And shouldn't you be at home sleeping? Doesn't the baby need sleep to grow or something? And when was the last time you ate something that wasn't junk food?"

Gus was being a mother-hen, again as he pinned on his SBPD name badge. Shawn just rolled his eyes as they walked towards Lassie and Jules. Just seeing the other man brought a sick feeling to Shawn's stomach. He felt so guilty and he had to tell him. But the guy was probably confused since Shawn had barely talked to him and it seemed like the psychic was avoiding him. He could only see Lassie's back from where he and Gus were standing, but when he spoke loudly. Both he and Jules turned around to look at him. Jules with curiosity and Lassie with quite a bit of hurt and anger. But how was Shawn going to solve the dead woman's crime without the body? He'd seen her under the bed for a reason.

"I'm seeing a woman!"

"Oh, really? Can you tell me her name or is it a secret? Did you tell her that you were gay? I bet that's a turn-off."

Lassie growled as Jules looked at him crossly, even Shawn mentally winced at the barb that was thrown at him like a dagger, he'd obviously hurt Lassie and hurt him bad. It was totally unintentional, though and that was what hurt the most of all. But Shawn just kept going on with his psychic vision trying to hide the way that Lassie was glaring rays of death at him. "A dead woman! Alone and under a bed. The house is full of people..a formal gathering. Time is running out!" Lassie was already stalking towards him to glare down at him like the giant he was, gun completely visible in the holster at his hip.

"I'll tell you what, you check every house in Santa Barbara and get back to me when you have something specific."

"3555 Ridgecrest, first door on the left...down the hallway. She'll be lying on the right side. She's wearing an expense pair of earrings." Gus elbowed him in the ribs and growled out something about not being so specific, as Jules agreed to come with them to search the house. Finally Lassie agreed to come, with another death glare in Shawn's direction of course.

-**TimeSkip**-

"Great job Spencer. You had a vision of a diplomat's residence. You could've led us to North Korea, that would've been easier to get into."

Lassie growled as he and Juliet stood a least two feet above them to knock on the door. The valet who's jacket that Shawn had borrowed was outside with them as well and was searching for his jacket. Reminding himself that yes, he did leave his jacket on the chair and that his wallet was in the pocket. Shawn, feeling bad for the kid, touched his temple in his psychic pose and whispered to the valet that he should go inside and search for some hay in a wine crate. Then he assured the boy that he was a psychic and very believable. The kid mouthed 'thanks' before darting back inside, stepping around both Lassie and Jules to go and search for his jacket once again. When Gus elbowed him, Shawn just looked at him sheepishly. He hadn't known that the kid had his wallet in there! Suddenly the great oaken doors opened and exposed a older woman in a glittering black dress. When Lassie and Jules tried to explain their situation to her, she just waved them off.

"I'm sorry, but we've just completed a party. And as the ambassador's workplace, this house is technically British soil. I'm sure you can understand why we'd deny entry to someone on such a outlandish hunch."

Lassie put on his people-pleasing smile as he nodded and told the woman that he understood completely. It wasn't long before a white-haired older man joined her at the door. He was wearing a suit and an apologetic look. He was quick to defend the woman's explanation. "I do apologize gentlemen, but you do understand how outlandish this sounds?" If he was going to say something else, then they didn't hear it as the valet from earlier quickly exited the house, waving his wine-red jacket above his head like some sort of deranged carnival prize.

"Okay, how did you do that? Most incredible thing I've ever seen! Oh, I'm sorry ambassador, but he found my jacket...with his finger."

"I am sensing the victim, she's wearing a dress...sleeveless." Shawn put his fingers to his temples and was relieved when the ambassador took the bait and spoke with a fairly amazed voice. "Dark hair?"

"Yes! Up from the shoulders...she's wearing a pair of new earrings."

Both of them, the ambassador and the unnamed woman, seemed to freeze with a new expression on their faces. There was a tense silence until the ambassador moved t the side and spoke with a partially broken voice, "You have my permission to enter the house." It didn't take long for Shawn to lead them to the bedroom where he saw the body, and then when he couldn't find it. He led them outside to the pool-house, the same pool-house that he'd passed on his mad dash to the Blueberry. Once they were all inside the pool-house and staring down at the pool. Shawn was glaring down at the covered water. Lassie took that moment to make a comment.

"What's the matter Spencer? Someone forget to check the chlorine?"

But Shawn ignored him and instead climbed down the steps to the water, flashlight in hand as he flashed the light on the corner of the pool, after he ripped off the top cover. To expose the dead body of a woman floating in the water. Shawn resisted the urge to say, 'I-told-you-so'. Once the paramedics came and took the body out of the pool. Lassie cornered both Jules and Shawn outside of the pool-house.

"Are you dating Shawn?"

"What?!"

"WHAT?!"

Shawn's 'what' was clearly the loudest and it even had Lassie taken aback. Not only did Lassie hate him...he thought that he was dating Jules?! Really? He was gayer than a rainbow unicorn! For once in his life, Shawn had nothing to say as Gus, who'd come out of nowhere, glared daggers at Lassie. His best friend grabbed his arm and gently led him away from Lassie and Jules. Lassie was glaring after them and Jules just looked concerned.

**-TimeSkip-**

Shawn and Gus were standing together, leaning up against a pillar in the SBPD building as they listened to the Chief's briefing. The Chief even mentioned him in the briefing, praising him for his excellent premonition skills. Shawn just laughed and waved it off, trying to stifle the urge to vomit he was having. Whoever invented 'morning sickness' was obviously trying to be optimistic. Because 'morning sickness' didn't only happen in the morning, it happened every single moment of every single day or whenever the need arose. He also had a clear view of Lassie rolling his eyes at Shawn from across the room. It made him want to puke all the more. When the chief mentioned the 'intruder' at the party, he and Gus were quick to say that he had no part in the murder. Shawn's dad glared had him from where he was standing on the other side of the room, nearer to the chief than the pair of them. Then within a few moments, his dad was standing right next to him.

"Shawn, a quick word."

"Ah, no thanks...can Gus come?"

"I don't want to come!"

"Shawn." His dad reminded in his fatherly tone and Shawn submitted, following his father and still trying to quell the urge to vomit. God, he was so nauseated. Was the room spinning or was that just him? When his dad looked at him suspiciously, he genuinely tried to hold a conversation with him. "Come on, dad. I wanted to finish that briefing." But his dad's tone broached no room for argument as he prodded Shawn in the chest.

"You were in that house, weren't you?"

"Okay, so maybe I was under the bed and that's where I found the body." Shawn whispered, all those syllables were making it even harder to keep from puking. He was eyeing the waste basket next to the chief's desk, it was the nearest thing that he could puke in safely. But obviously his dad didn't notice his discomfort, because he just kept on yelling at him. "Shawn! You crashed a diplomat's party!" His dad hissed, eyes filled with anger be another emotion that he couldn't identify.

"I was just trying to steal...Darth Vader from his kid's room."

"Kid, you're going to get caught and you're going to blow your psychic thing. Then you're going to become the prime suspect."

"Here's my question, if this is such an international issue, then why was it passed off to the lowest ranking member of his staff!" Shawn grinned as he realized that he'd partially cracked the case, but then his stomach practically screamed it's displeasure. And he found himself on his hands and knees, puking noisily into the waste basket. The majority of the time he was puking was spent thinking upon the fact that he was puking and 'ewwww'. It was disgusting as he watched pineapple smoothie, bile and a granola bar spewed into Chief Vick's trash can. The granola bar was Gus' fault, 'Oh Shawn! It's not healthy for the baby! You need to eat healthy stuff...blah blah blah.' The next thing he realized was the warm hand tracing comforting circles onto his back as the puke just kept on coming. Finally, with one last heave, it was over and Shawn slumped against Chief Vick's desk, completely exhausted. His dad was looking at him with concern and even reached up to place a hand on Shawn's forehead, completely ignoring his weak protests.

"Are you sick? You have no business working if you're sick, Shawn."

"I'm not sick!"

"...you do realize you were puking not three minutes ago, right? Healthy people don't do that, son." Henry sighed, staring at his son with disbelief shining in his eyes. Shawn just scowled back at him, debating whether or not to tell him about the pregnancy. Finally he just decided against it and pulled himself to his feet, shoving past his concerned father.

"I think the ambassador was having an affair with the victim!"

-**TimeSkip**-

Shawn was thrown for a loop when it was the ambassador's adviser that Jules and Lassie charged with the murder of Miss Annabeth, the body from under the bed. Just because her fingerprints were all over the body didn't mean that she did it. In fact all she did was move the body to prevent the ambassador from getting into hot water. She'd thought that it was the ambassador who had killed her. But there was no way she could've been in two places as once! Shawn hurried to find Lassie and Jules. Long story short, he found himself with Lassie holding a picture in his face, a picture of him as he walked up the stairs in the ambassador's house. That same night of the party. Oooo...that was not good. Lassie smiled a sickeningly sweet smile and growled out, "Please explain."

"This, is not me. Look, I wish it were me if I'm being honest. Guy looks great in the suit. But the head's all wrong, his hair had a counter-clockwise trend in it, mine is always northern hemisphere."

When Shawn took the picture in his hands and flashed it to Gus, his best friend just shrugged his shoulders and shook his head. "I don't see it." Lassie quickly took the picture back and squinted at it for a moment, before sighing.

"Well, I guess there's only one way to settle this."

That was how Shawn found himself hooked up to a polygraph machine in one of the SBPD's many interrogation rooms. Lassie was sitting across from him and the picture was resting next to them, sitting atop of a Manila folder. Shawn was scowling and Gus was pacing in front of the pair of them. Jules was standing in the corner. "This is pointless! Lassie-face you know me. This picture isn't me!" Lassie didn't say anything until he raised his head and spoke in a monotone voice.

"First question, what is your name?"

"Guys, there is a murderer on the louse!"

"That is not your name." Lassie grinned and Shawn scowled at him before growling out, "Shawn Spencer." Lassie checked that it was true before asking Shawn what he had been doing on the night of the party. While Shawn was focused on the polygraph machine and Lassie. Chief Vick and Shawn's father walked in, standing or hovering in the doorway.

"Let's see...I talked with Gus, played some video-games and we were talking a little Star Wars. Look Lassie we know what this is about. It's about you, not understanding why I haven't been talking to you...isn't it?" Once he'd heard what Shawn had said, Lassie's expression darkened and he growled out, "Answer only my questions, please."

"You thought I was with Jules? Me? Lassie, I love you! I will always love you! I was just scared! I had found something out and I was scared that you were going to leave me because of it! I didn't want to lose you! I'd rather have you pissed at me forever and get to see you everyday, than to tell you and have you leave. I'm selfish and rude, I know. But I love you..." Shawn trailed off once he'd realized what he'd said and the pale look on Lassie's face. Everyone in the room inched forwards to see the polygraph machine, to see if Shawn was telling the truth and they were all surprised when the little needle stayed green. It was true. When Lassie spoke his eyes were as strong and stoic as ever, but his voice was shaking.

"You're telling the truth.."

"Of course I am. And I'm sorry that I ever let it come into question."

"So this means you can tell him about the baby, right Shawn?" Gus asked, trying to break the awkward staring contest that he and Lassie seemed to be having. Only for every eye in the room to turn to Shawn. It was Lassie who proposed the fatal question.

"What baby?"

"Congrats Lassie-face, you're going to be a Daddy!"

Shawn exclaimed, sheepishly and Lassie's eyes sunk to his stomach. Before the older man could say anything, Shawn jumped into action, it was about 90% love and 10% impulse when he launched himself forwards, ignoring the fact that he was still attached to the polygraph machine, to press his lips to Lassie's and wrap his arms around him.

Thanks Gus...

Thanks a lot.


	2. Last Night Gus

**_"Life is tough enough without having someone kick you from the inside." _**

**_~Rita Rudner_**

Shawn tried vainly to muffle his yawn as he stared bitterly into the can of coca-cola sitting in front of him. He had one hand raised in pursuit of muffling said yawn, and the other was wrapped protectively around the hard little nub of his belly. It wasn't big by any scope of the imagination, nor was it clear to see. It looked just a bit puffier than normal, but was firm to the touch. The pseudo-psychic rubbed at his eyes tiredly and took turns between glaring at his soda and at Gus, who was sitting beside him with a glass of scotch in hand. It wasn't fair, he was dragged to a bar against his will for some old guy's retirement party. A guy named Jim who never actually got up from his desk to do anything. And Shawn couldn't even drink! When he'd tried to order something, Gus and scowled at him and began one of his hour-long lectures. 'It's bad for the baby! You're not hurting my godchild before they're out of your womb, Shawn...blah, blah, blah...' Either way, he was still eight-weeks pregnant and trapped in a bar against his will. Lassie wasn't even awake! He was sitting by Jim and snoring away. Stupid boyfriend.

"Why am I even here, instead of doing anything else in the world?"

"We're paying respects to a man who gave the majority of his life to serving the police department, Shawn." Gus chastised and Shawn stuck his tongue out at him, bringing the stupid coke to his lips once again and nursing it quietly. He was pissed. Woody leaned over and asked them something about piñatas, but Shawn was zoning out. Piñatas have candy inside...he could really go for some candy. Candy and ice-cream! With chocolate and caramel on top! Oh, but didn't chocolate and caramel hate each other? They were kind of like the angry twin brothers of the sugary condiments world. Luckily for everyone, Shawn was spurred from his thoughts as Jules walked up to them. She seemed to be enjoying Jim's party as much as Shawn.

"Well I'm heading home."

"Really?! What about Jim?"

"I don't even know Jim and besides I have to prepare for tomorrow. Lassiter and I are testifying in a court case." Jules explained as she straightened her blouse. Shawn's eyes flicked to Lassie's dozing form next to Jim. Guess he was already catching up on his sleep then. Gus tried to defend himself by saying that Lassie was staying, but Jules shot him down. Lassie was sleeping. Next to Jim and Shawn's father, who looked pretty near to falling asleep himself.

"Hey Jules, can you give me a ride home? Gus says I'm a terrible driver and heavens knows I don't want sleepy Lassie driving me home in his fusion."

Shawn asked, not bothering to stifle the yawn that came quickly after. But Gus protested that he needed a wingman as he spotted a pretty looking girl from across the bar. Shawn feigned horror as he looked at Gus, mock-disgust across his face as he exclaimed that Gus cared nothing about Jim, he only wanted to hook up with that pretty girl. Shawn preened that he had a boyfriend and a baby-on-board, he couldn't be Gus' wingman. Gus grinned and said that not only was the pretty girl for him, but her friend was as well. Shawn laughed that Gus didn't have game for even half of one of them. Gus tried to defend himself, but Shawn just yawned and stood up, banging a spare fork on his soda can to get everybody's attention.

"Dammit Jim, you've had a long career my man. Perhaps the longest of all time. You've touched us all right here," He pressed a hand to his heart. "And a little up here." Shawn touched his head. "And even a little down here." He reached quite a bit lower and Gus exclaimed for him to sit down and shut up. "And you put away a bunch of bad guys, with your bare hands in your off hours and now Jim, you can ride off into the sunset and spend some quality time with your mother here." Shawn motioned to the woman sitting beside Jim, Gus hissed that she was his wife. "To Jim, dammit!" Everybody who was still awake, raised their glasses in toast for the man. Shawn called out for the bartender to hand out some shots, courtesy of the department and when he saw the look Lassie was giving him, he added sheepishly that he needed another coke.

-**TimeSkip**-

When Shawn woke up, he was lying with his head in a cereal box and with a pounding pain in his skull, it felt like a sledgehammer was smashing it in. It wasn't even like a headache kind of pain, it was a 'I just got hit in the head' sort of pain. Not to mention that he felt extremely nauseated, but that was familiar enough. He was used to being preggo-sick. Shawn moaned as he stumbled to his feet, staggering towards the Psych office's kitchen sink and puking noisily into it. He must have awoken Gus, because soon enough there was a huge pastel-pink vitamin in his right hand and a glass of water in his left. Shawn blinked blearily at Gus who looked like he'd just lost a fight with an angry beaver. The pseudo-psychic numbly swallowed the prenatal vitamin and sucked down the glass of water. Before wincing at the pain it caused his head. Everything was fuzzy around the edges and his head was throbbing.

"Man, Gus. I think we slept here last night."

"What even happened last night...?"

"Strangely enough...I don't remember." When Shawn tried to think back to night before all he remembered was a grinding sort of pain and a blur of noises and faces. Nothing like that had ever happened to him before. He remembered everything! He always remembered everything! Even when he was a newborn in diapers. "Gus...everything is all weird and disjointed. I think my finger-to-eyebrow device is broken, this has never happened to me before. My mind is completely blank!"

"Shawn...why is there a shower cap on your head?"

The dark haired man reached up to tug off a floral printed shower cap with a confused look on his face. They also discovered that the so-called 'psychic' was wearing an obnoxiously bright gold chain and sandals that weren't his. His nikes were missing. Just all they were trying to brainstorm ideas, the lump on their couch began to move and Lassie was revealed in all his morning bed-head glory. Then Woody popped his head out of his own blanket to lock eyes on Shawn, then when he realized where he was...he jumped up in horror. Shawn shouted in surprise. "Woody!"

"Shawn! I swear that nothing happened, I would never steal another bro's man!"

Shawn was quick to assure him that he believed him, but ended up staring at the white substance that was covering the coroner's face from nose to chin. It honestly resembled coffee foam or something of the like. Then Shawn gasped again when they realized that Lassie had a horribly swollen black eye. The detective practically shrieked in horror when he saw it, but soon regained his cool. Only for said cool to be lost once again when Shawn spotted his gun in the fish tank. Lassie-face had screeched 'My baby!' before running to rescue the weapon from its fishy grave. But it was three bullets short, the head-detective could feel it from the diminished weight. Yet it wasn't the only surprise that awaited them. When Shawn managed to fine his phone, they discovered a video of them laughing with a guy in a heinous hawaiian-print shirt. When Gus asked him if he knew what was going only, the pseudo-psychic practically wailed.

"I told you, I'm broken!"

"Why is it that none of us can remember a single thing about last night?"

Shawn was wondering the same thing, he wasn't even allowed to drink. But Gus' question went unanswered as both Woody and Lassie got an emergency call from the SBPD station at the same time. Lassie began to search around for his car keys and when he couldn't find them, he ran to the window and couldn't spot his ford fusion anywhere. It was missing. Woody, Gus and Lassie began to panic, but Shawn remained calm as the throbbing in his head seemed to dull and he yelled to get their attention.

"Everybody stop panicking, we'll take the Blueberry and we'll all ride calmly and quietly without incident. Okay?"

But that plan also fell flat when the unlikely quartet made it outside and saw the state that the Blueberry was in. It was parked over two parking spots and looked as if it had been stepped on by a huge hairy giant. The antenna was bent in the wrong direction, the license-plate was falling off, the poor abused bumper looked more pregnant than Shawn, all of the windows were smashed in, the windshield was cracked and the blue roof was caved in. It just didn't look good and the sound Gus made was astounding. It was a mix between a dying cow and a recently shot puppy. As soon as Lassie made a crack about Gus' parking job, the younger man began to freak out, yelling and spazzing out in his panic mode. Shawn tried half-heartedly to reassure him, but let's face it, the car was trashed.

"It's just a minor ding buddy, you're only seeing it because the light's hitting it that way. Isn't that right, Woody?"

"I don't feel right lying to him."

But they all climbed into the falling-apart Blueberry anyway and drove towards the station. Where they found themselves inside Autopsy, standing around a sheet-covered dead body on the gleaming table. Shawn was leaning against Lassie, his head was throbbing and he felt nauseated again. But he knew he couldn't puke in the company of others, well except for Gus. He puked in front of Gus a lot. Chief Vick was standing in front of the table and was listing off the man's characteristics. He was Caucasian, middle-aged and dark-haired. But that was all that she said before she noticed the dark-tinted sunglasses on Lassie's face, attempting to cover up his black-eye. When Lassie couldn't think of any real reason to have them on, Shawn had to cover for him.

"Chief if I may, Lassie spoke to all of us about a week ago about wearing sunglasses to all autopsies starting now to show respect for the dead. I simply forgot while Gus refused because he has no value for human life."

She ignored them after that and went on with her filed listing, but when she announced that the body was shot three times, they all froze. When they uncovered the dead guy's face, they all mentally gasped. It was the same guy from the video on Shawn's phone. The tacky Hawaiian shirt guy. Shawn slid his phone out of his pocket and quickly texted Gus, 'did lassie kill this guy?'. But his stomach sunk when he realized that Gus' phone didn't buzz in his pocket, it lit up and buzzed in the pocket of the dead guy. Great. Just great. Shawn quickly and silently picked up a pair of tongs and gently slid Gus' phone out of the dead guy's pocket, he then passed it to Gus as Chief Vick turned back to them, holding up a pair of shoes. Shawn's missing nikes. When he looked at the body and saw tan lines, he realized that he was wearing the dead guy's sandals. His stomach sunk even lower. But he tried to pay attention to the chief.

"Lassiter, you and O'Hara can go since you have to testify in court this afternoon."

"Actually Chief, that's okay. O'Hara can go without me, she was the one who was going to testify anyway, I was just going to lend my presence for the jury."

Lassie tried to laugh it off, but when Shawn saw the disbelieving looks in the chief's and Jules' eyes. He instantly pressed himself up to Lassie and wrapped his arms around the surprised man's waist. "He's lying, Chief. He was just embarrassed to tell you that he was taking me to my eight weeks ultrasound this afternoon." Shawn grinned up at Lassie who looked relieved at Shawn's save. The chief nodded at his answer and then proceeded to leave them alone, taking a confused Jules with her. Shawn made sure that they had walked far enough away before hissing, "What the hell happened last night?!" Lassie looked as if he'd been shot in the stomach as he mumbled something about turning himself in. But Shawn shook his head vehemently.

"What are you going to turn yourself in for, spooning with Woody?! Look, we've got the some of the best crime-fighting minds in the world, right here in this room. And I think I bought a few hours to find out what happened here, before sounding off any alarms. Lassie-face, I need you to look inwards...take a swim in lake you. See what you see...we can do this."

"Spencer, I can't survive without the facts! I don't know what happened last night. I've never lost control of my faculties in my life!"

Lassie exclaimed, completely killing Shawn's attempt at trying to make a rousing speech. Woody agreed with what Lassie was saying and then added something stupid about tickling. But Shawn just couldn't deal, he felt bloated, he was eight weeks pregnant, he felt like puking up a kidney and his head was throbbing in time with his heartbeats. So he felt very close to having a nervous breakdown, Gus was the only one to see the signs before Shawn started screaming at the top of his lungs. All he had time to do was cover his ears.

"What about me fellas?! I'm not having any psychic visions or flashbacks or recreation flashbacks or recreation flashbacks with new psychic visions! I mean imagine that you weren't a bland, painfully boring human?! That you could wink at someone and light up their world! That you could make a child think that you've given them an IceCream cone without giving them the cone! And then watch them skip off into a meadow, licking nothing but air! Imagine that! Imagine that you have a gift, a special sixth sense, and then something comes along and rips it away from you! You feel lost and terrible and afraid! Imagine that, Jack! Now, do you see me giving up?! Me, the eight weeks pregnant guy who feels like he's about to puke up a kidney?! No, because I'm not!"

Woody, Gus and Lassie were all gaping at him, but Shawn just brushed off the concerned looks. God, his head was killing him. Lassie spoke then, probably still trying to reassure Shawn. "Okay, Shawn. Okay. I never thought I'd say this, but men we are in this together. Obviously we knew the victim." Gus ended up being the voice of wisdom moments later as he spoke to refresh the situation. A refreshment that ended up with him and Lassie arguing back and forth about possession of the dead guy's items. Woody held up pee jars with a smile, which was great. Shawn hadn't peed in the last ten minutes...he really had to go. It was a few minutes until Woody had the test results back and called them all together.

"Okay, here's the skinny. Lassiter, Gus and I had copious amounts of drugs in our systems. Us three were drugged at that bar. But Shawn, your blood-work is clean..."

All of their eyes turned to Shawn's confused ones. But that was impossible, why didn't he remember anything then? And why was his head throbbing like there was no tomorrow? Shawn reached up with tentative fingers to feel the back of his head and almost screamed in surprise and pain when he felt the huge swollen lump beneath his fingertips. "Owwww...I think I know why I don't remember anything. I have a lump on the back of my head the size of a baseball. I think I was hit with something."

"A concussion! That would explain your altered mental state last night and why you couldn't remember anything. You should probably get that checked out."

Woody said and Shawn brushed him off with a comforting grin. That was when he remembered a baby Thor looking guy at the bar with long blonde hair, staring at a pair of pretty girls. Woody and the others must have gotten the girls' drinks by mistake and Shawn didn't get any because he was drinking coke. They had to drive back to the bar and confront the baby Thor guy.

-**TimeSkip**-

The baby Thor lead was a bust and now, they were all crammed into the Blueberry on a mad dash to a donut shop. Yes, a donut shop. Named Bobo's donuts. Gus was bragged about 'the game' he seemed convinced that he had. Just because a hot girl from the night before had flirted with him when they went back to the bar. It took them all a few minutes before they managed to climb out of the death trap that the Blueberry had become. When they got inside there was a short guy who instantly yelled for them to go away. They tried to reassure him that they were there for a case, but he didn't seem to believe them. He told them that they had accused him of sleeping with a blonde woman, that Woody had licked all the powdered sugar off the donuts, that Shawn had tried on everybody else's shoes and that 'the angry one' stole his donut hat. That's when Shawn realized that their mystery hawaiian shirt guy was a private investigator. That's why they had befriended him, they were helping him! Just as they thought they had everything under control, a scary bearded guy came from the back and yelled at them, cocking his gun as he went.

"You killed Bobo!"

"Okay, take it easy. Nobody killed anybody..."

Lassie tried to reassure the scary bearded man, but he wasn't listening to him as tears bubbled the the scary man's eyes. "You killed Bobo, and you're going to pay!" The scary man wailed and Shawn resisted the urge to duck behind Lassie and stay there where it was safe. Gus was on Shawn's right and he whispered under his breath, "Who the hell is Bobo?" The scary bearded guy pointed to the large plastic donut man who was lying propped up against the side of the store. Lassie had yelled and asked for proof when they dragged the quarter into the back to watch security footage. Lassie was pushing the Blueberry into Bobo the Donut Man, and Shawn and Gus were laughing in the background. They all got out of the car as the huge plastic donut fell off his pedestal and onto the Blueberry. Lassie had even shot at it for good measure. Suddenly, in the video, Lassie began fighting with a strange guy, he attempted to throw some punches at the detective but they missed and Shawn came running to Lassie's aide. They all winced as the man's bat connected hard ith the side of Shawn's head and he was sent sprawling on the floor. So that was how he got his concussion. Lassie leapt up to defend him and ended up getting socked in the face.

Lassie wished condolences to the scary donut man before he and Woody both got emergency calls from the station. There was a new body. Wonderful. Just glorious.

-**TimeSkip**-

It was the same guy that knocked out Shawn and gave Lassie a black-eye. Everything was starting to become one hectic blur as he got a call from his Dad. The guy was freaking out because he'd woken up in a motel room, his face covered with white powder without any pants on. He was at the Suncrest motel, the same place that Shawn's shower cap had been from. Great. Now they had to go and pick up his Dad. At first, when he saw the Gus, Jules and Lassie had come with his son, he tried to make himself presentable. But eventually he gave up. And admitted the he had probably slept in a trashed motel room that night. The motel manager collected some money from Lassie before telling them that the woman they were looking for had arrived and hadn't checked out. They hurried to her room, guns poised for a fight. But when Lassie kicked open the door, the room was empty.

They all piled into search the room and Shawn realized that there had been more than one person here that night. When he turned around to tell everybody what he'd seen. He saw it. The open pipe and the gas that was escaping. He knew what was going to happen moments before it did. Things seemed to move in slow motion as he screamed for them to move. Everyone was out within seconds and Lassie had his arms wrapped around Shawn's waist. Before he could protest. Lassie was jumping from the balcony with him in his arms, poised to hit the water below. As the room exploded behind them. Great.

It didn't take them long to solve the case after that, and everybody insisted on accompanying them to Shawn's afternoon ultrasound appointment. Lassie was surprised to find that it hadn't just been a cover. But he was as excited as everybody else as they put the blue goo on Shawn's belly and moved the wand around to focus in the curled up tiny fetus. Gus was already cooing over the baby in the picture, Jules was with him in the same boat, while his Dad just clapped him on the shoulder and smiled. A real genuine smile.

Like he was proud of him.


	3. This Episode Sucks

**_"Everything grows rounder and wider and weirder, and I sit here in the middle of it all and wonder who in the world you will turn out to be." ~Carrie Fisher_**

It was Shawn's fault that Lassie was in the bar in the first place. His whiny pregnant boyfriend had called him a few minutes before midnight, crying for some godforsaken reason. Lassie had been frantic, asking him what was wrong, if he and the baby were alright. But all his boyfriend said between sobs was that everything was Lassie's fault and that wanted some damned pineapple juice and raw celery sticks with cheez-whiz. Carlton Lassiter had tried to explain to his totally not-crazy boyfriend that it was a few minutes before midnight and that it would be very difficult to find such foods right then. He also took the time to add that cheez-whiz wasn't a healthy thing to be feeding their unborn baby. He didn't want his child born addicted to processed foods and chemicals. Shawn then proceeded to scream some choice words at Carlton that couldn't be repeated in polite company, before coming to the conclusion that said head-detective 'didn't love him at all'. Lassie was quick to assure him otherwise and had climbed out of his nice warm bed, dressed in nothing but multicolored boxers, socks and a rumpled shirt to snatch up his car keys and stumble blearily to his car.

It took him an hour and a half to find a pharmacy that was open and that sold raw celery, cheez-whiz and pineapple juice. Once he'd nearly finished his journey and brought the items up the the counter to pay, the older guy behind the desk took in his disheveled appearance, the lack of shoes, the time of night and the odd food choices. He then looked at Lassie with the upmost empathy and told him that there was a wonderful IceCream selection in the back, along with flowers and chocolates. But the head-detective shook his head and stumbled blearily out of the pharmacy, and back to his ford fusion. By the time he got to Shawn's apartment, he had scarcely opened the door before he had an double armful of sleepy pregnant psychic. Shawn pressed his face against Lassie's chest with surprising force, his arms wrapped around the detective like Lassie was his own personal teddy-bear. Which in a way, he was.

The psychic's dark wavy hair was standing up in every which way and he was wearing an oversized t-shirt and boxers, with bare feet to complete the ensemble. Shawn's belly was bigger, but not by much. He was only ten weeks along, but it was still showing on him. Lassie was on the receiving end of a grateful and frantic kiss from the psychic who was quite literally 'taking his breath away'. Before in one fell swoop, Shawn let him go, took the bag of food and promptly closed the door in his face. Ah, being a father-to-be was already so rewarding. It took him a few minutes to catch his breath, Shawn had probably bruised a few of his ribs, before he descended on the trek back to his car. That was how he had ended up banging open the heavy wooden doors of a nearby bar, still dressed in his disheveled sleep clothes. He shoved past several patrons, not really caring in the slightest as he took a seat at the bar.

"What's your poison?"

The woman with the dyed blonde hair and pixie cut, who was standing on the other side of the counter was the one who'd asked him. She was staring at his scatterbrained appearance, but he really couldn't have cared less. He was exhausted and his brain was working at a fraction of its normal capacity. Maybe, had he been fully awake and functional, he'd have cared more. But he didn't at the moment and simply grumbled his response, eager to get a drink and slip into oblivion. Then to have Shawn come pick him up in the morning and yell at him for being irresponsible, but would secretly be glad that he was alright.

"Humanity."

"Bad day in the universe, huh?"

"Unless a corpse resurfaces and a body liquidates in some nut-loving rodentia. Oh...Jack Daniels, rocks."

Obviously he'd said too much and this pixie-haired woman didn't really care. She'd stared at him as if he'd started spouting nuclear physics like a mad-man. So he'd just grumbled out some scotch on the rocks and settled down to drink himself into a happy place. He had a cold too, that was why he yanked out his wrinkled hankie and blew his nose loudly into it. Grossing out the woman behind the bar, but obviously not the woman who came up behind him and asked for the same thing as him, while she handed cash to the bar-lady. She'd turned around fully then, and Lassie caught his first full view of her. She was dressed in a skin tight red dress that looked far more revealing than it should. Along with a strange-looking amulet that sharpened into a point at the bottom. She sat on the stool next to him and he could see her long black-painted fingernails clinking against her glass. He was obviously confused and looked around for who she must've been talking too. But when he saw no one, he voiced his confusion.

"Do I know you? Or are you mistaking me for someone else?"

But the odd-looking woman didn't respond and simply raised her glass to clink it against his and made a toast to the night. It was then that he realized the woman was most likely coming onto him and that he had to get out of there as quickly as possible. He took a deep swig from his scotch before the woman startled him back to looking at her.

"So what's your story, Carlton?"

"How do you know my name?"

Lassie asked and the woman seemed to pout dramatically as she reaffirmed the fact that it was she who'd asked him first. She reminded him of Shawn. Oh God, Shawn! He felt like he was cheating on his boyfriend by just looking at the sexual woman in front of him. Then he realized, the clothes, the flirty way of talking and even how she knew his name. Had she been following him? Or was she...

"Are you a prostitute? Because I can assure you that you aren't my type."

The woman looked stunned that Carlton would even suggest such a thing, her eyes rolled around in surprise and she swallowed hard. Her eyes were shocked as she asked if that was the vibe that she was giving off. He was quick to reassure her that it wasn't. He may have been gay, but he wasn't mean! At least not on purpose and the woman looked as if she was near to tears. He guessed that she was lonely and she confirmed it. He told her that he was gay and with somebody. But she didn't mind, she told him that they could just be friends and that his partner was lucky to have somebody like him. She asked him to talk about himself and even about his partner. Maybe it was the liquor or the atmosphere but Carlton was happy to provide.

"You already know my name, I usually come here to unwind as my job can be kind of stressful. I often imagine that I'm Clint Eastwood."

"Even in Bloodwork?"

"Mostly Heartbreak Ridge. I'm a father-to-be, my boyfriend Shawn is pregnant with our first child. I think that there's little to no interpretation involved when it comes to the Constitution of the United States. And I have a very high threshold for pain. Your turn."

Lassie was happy as he finished his long speech about himself before prompting her to do the same. She informed him that she was happily single, that her necklace was called a 'For All Eternity' necklace or something like that and that she liked Clint Eastwood in Unforgiven. Then she asked why his job was so stressful and he was on his guard again, asking her how that she knew his name. But she didn't answer, instead she went to the restroom to freshen-up. When she didn't return, he went to see if she was okay. Only to find the restroom empty and the window open.

-**TimeSkip**-

Being pregnant was gross.

That was Shawn Spencer's only thought as he squinted at his naked torso in the steamed-up mirror of his apartment bathroom. His belly was protruding slightly, understandable since his carrier-uterus was the size of a small grapefruit. That wasn't the only gross thing about his newly pregnant body though. It was the visible veins that were really ticking him off. They were these thick blue veins that suddenly appeared on his skin, crisscrossing his torso. It looked like a vivid and complex road map, with some veins a darker blue than others. According to his frantic web-search, they were there because of the expanded blood supply needed to help the baby grow. And they would only get bigger, as his blood volume was supposed to increase by 20 to 40 percent by the end of the pregnancy. Gross, plain and simple. He hurriedly pulled on a pair of jeans, pretended that he wasn't struggling to button them up, and a nice louse shirt, before fixing up his hair and hurrying out of the bathroom to meet Gus and Jules in the Blueberry. They'd all met up for breakfast, Shawn had tried inviting Lassie as well but his baby-daddy hadn't picked up the phone. The pseudo-psychic didn't worry too much though. Lassie was just Lassie.

Once they got to the crime scene, which turned out to be a pale asian dude who was sprawled on the pavement in front of his own car, Gus and Shawn were quick to assure Juliet that it wasn't her fault that they'd followed her to the crime scene, when she got a call during their shared breakfast.

"Listen, Jules. Just don't beat yourself up. You can't possibly be expected to control whether or not Gus and I surreptitiously follow you after you get a call during breakfast."

"But I especially told both of you, not to follow!"

"I thought she said farrow. Didn't she say farrow?"

That question was directed towards Gus who just shrugged his shoulders in response, he'd been in the bathroom at that time, so he had no idea what Shawn and Jules were supposedly arguing about. Why did Jules say he was there, did she just want a witness? Either way, Jules was still mad as she growled that farrow wasn't even a word. Though Gus protested, Mr. I-almost-won-the-spelling-bee-as-a-kid, still had to prove that he was smarter than everybody else. Even years later.

"I wasn't there, but farrow is most definitely a word. It means to birth a calf or a litter of pigs."

"But why would I tell that to Shawn?!"

"I don't know, maybe you were making a crack against Baby Pineapple!?" Gus exclaimed, frustratedly as he motioned towards Shawn's burgeoned stomach. Before either Shawn or Juliet could retort. Lassie hurried onto the scene, he practically ignored Shawn and Gus as he and Jules went to go and work on the asian guy's dead body. She asked him if he was alright, but he just grumbled that he was fine, as he pulled on his gloves. Shawn and Gus were studying the body and they took in the odd paleness, the puncture wounds on the wrist and neck, before they made their announcement. Only solidified by the strange necklace that was found clutched in the corpse's fingers.

"Ladies and Gentlemen! I want you to prepare yourselves, for what I'm about to exsponge is not for the faint of heart...What we're up against here is no mere mortal. I'm afraid this very well may be the work—of a vampire."

It surprised them all, when instead of shooting down his boyfriend. Lassie agreed with him. It was if everything in the world had come to a tense standstill.

-**TimeSkip**-

"You know, you weren't nearly this pumped when we thought we were chasing a werewolf."

Shawn whined and frowned at his best friend who was decked out in all his vampire gear, and lifted the stake and hammer to mime, hammering it into Shawn's chest as if his best friend was a scary vampire. Just like in Gus' imagination. Shawn mentally sighed when he saw the his friend was trying to mime hammering the stake into the wrong side of his chest, so he reached up and gently shifted it to the side, where his heart was actually located. He would honestly fear for Gus' life if they guy was ever met face to face by any vampire. It would be like bloody nights gone wild. Gus frowned right back at his best friend before answering, "I'm not trying to get devoured by a hairy famished beast, Shawn. But I will whip me some lithe, wispy vampire ass." They both walked down the hallway together as Shawn made cracks about how Gus looked before he posed a serious question.

"You don't think it's odd that Lassie jumped on our vampire-wagon?"

"To tell you the truth, I've always wanted Lassie to jump on the wagon of one of my harebrained ideas. But now that he's done it I wonder why I wanted him too, it just feels too weird!"

"I know, it's like the Roadrunner saying 'You know what Wiley, you've earned this, blow me up'." Gus exclaimed as they headed into Woody's Autopsy and he gave Shawn another death glare. Lassie and Jules were already waiting around the corpse as Shawn and Gus walked in. Woody then proceeded to hand Jules a red balloon of a ram's lower intestines, something that he didn't find weird at all, but that everybody else did. While Woody was explaining the corpse's death to them, Gus took the time to ask about their vampire theory something that Woody agreed whole-heartedly with. To Jules' immense displeasure.

"All right people, listen up. It looks like we're faced with a vampire who is most likely doing vampire things. So somebody go and get me a lead!"

Lassie stormed out after that. No, he didn't actually believe in vampires. He just wanted to distract Shawn with something to keep his interest as he searched for that woman he'd made friends with at the bar. He did have her creepy necklace after all. But he didn't want Shawn to know that he'd gone to a bar and had drinks with a pretty woman. He might suspect the wrong thing.

-**TimeSkip**-

Just after they'd finished getting ridiculed at a 'vampire' themed bar for their ridiculous vampire costumes, Shawn, Jules and Gus were driving towards the home of a woman named Marlowe. She'd made a call to a blood bank requesting an otherworldly amount of blood. She hadn't said her name, but they had traced it back to her house. What they didn't know was that she was the same woman that Lassie had met in that bar. The same woman with the strange necklace, the woman that he'd befriended. And little did they know that Lassie had been one step ahead of them, that he was on her bedroom couch questioning the woman, the moment that they showed up. Jules was the one who banged the door open and yelled for Marlowe to come out. Only for her to come out of her bedroom with Lassie trailing behind her. Lassie looked like he'd been shot the moment he saw Shawn, even in his stupid vampire costume. Even though it was Jules who'd yelled for Marlowe, it was Shawn who spoke first.

"Carlton, what's going on?"

Nearly everyone who knew Shawn, winced when they heard his cold tone of voice and the way he used Lassie's first name. He never ever used Lassie's first name. Not unless it was a life or death situation. Or if he was really pissed. Something assured Lassie that it was the second.

"It's not what you think, I swear that she's just a friend."

"And a murderer."

Yes, Gus. Great time to make accusations. Right in the middle of Shawn's mental crisis. Who wouldn't be delighted? But Shawn forced a sickeningly sweet smile to his face as Lassie announced that she couldn't have committed the murder, because she had an airtight alibi. Shawn was scared of what that alibi was, he had a sick feeling churning in the pit of his stomach and this time, it wasn't just pregnancy nausea. He usually wouldn't feel so strongly, usually he'd just cross it off as circumstantial evidence. But he'd just watched both of them leave her bedroom together, and now he had he had an alibi for her? Just how long had they been 'friends'.

"She was with me the night of the murder."

Carlton would've left it at that, he really would've. But Marlowe continued, she was still frightened about nearly being accused of murder. So she just kept babbling, trying to fit as many of the puzzle pieces in place as she could. "I swear I was, I came onto him in the bar. It was just yesterday! He commented on my necklace and how it made me look nice. He thought I was a hooker. We talked and drank some whiskey, it was really nice. He likes Clint Eastwood, mostly in Heartbreak Ridge, not in Bloodwork."

"You were in a bar with her yesterday!? Did I interrupt you? Was that why you looked so rumpled when you came by?! S-Sorry about that."

Shawn was still smiling which was the worst part, he was still smiling as his voice cracked and he turned around to catch Gus by the arm. He was breaking and Lassie knew it, he tried to explain. They were just friends! But Shawn cleared his voice and spoke loudly. "I feel a bit sick to my stomach, do you mind if I wait outside guys?" Jules was quick to nod and assure him that yes, it was completely fine.

"I'll go with him."

Gus added as he followed Shawn outside of the house and Jules stayed to question Marlowe. He did puke, that part wasn't a lie. It was the tears that came during it that weren't just from the pain of stomach acid in his throat. But Gus didn't say anything, he just scowled back at the house and gently removed Shawn's vampire wig, so he wouldn't get puke all over it.

-**TimeSkip**-

Blood banks were creepy.

That was something that Shawn was sure of. That and the fact that Lassie was an huge ass-hat. It took him a half an hour to compose himself and after that, he was back on the case. That's why they were sitting in Jules' car, parked right outside of the blood bank in Santa Barbara. She only allowed them five minutes, that was why it was lucky that he spotted the cat when he did. It was a black cat with strange brown markings and they trailed it for a while, before it then entered the blood bank. By that time both Gus and Shawn were assured that the cat was transformed vampire in disguise. That why they bugged Jules to let them follow it inside. And she did. It was dark and dank and depressing inside an empty blood bank in the middle of the night. It was when they were following the cat inside the building that they saw it, the black shadow that seemed to travel to one side of the building to the other within seconds. It was when they heard the crash and saw the destroyed blood case. When the rest of the cops came, Shawn's Dad was with them.

"Detective, what happened here?"

"We had good reason to believe that our suspect was here, in the blood bank. We entered and what we saw was a hooded figure, who appeared to move with inexplicable speed. As if it were..."

"Mr. Spencer, if I may. What we're looking at is someone capable of vamp-speed. Or present-space quantum leap."

Gus interrupted Jules' explanation to receive a skeptical look on Shawn's Dad's face. The only time a non-skeptical look appeared was when they said that they had a witness in custody, then when said witness turned out to be a black and brown cat. The skeptical look was back, along with one of incredulity. Across the room, Shawn caught sight of something in the blood case. A black nail. Just like the ones that little miss Marlowe man-stealer was wearing. When Jules found it, she looked at Shawn in horror who just cracked his knuckles.

"Let's get the blood-sucking, man-stealing witch!"

-**TimeSkip**-

All four of them, Gus, Shawn, Jules and Henry ran for the door. They then proceeded to start frantically banging on it. But no answer, not avail. Shawn'd had enough, he backed up and ran head-on into it, only to knock the door off its hinges to reveal the scene inside. Lassie, standing over the body of a young guy with no Marlowe in sight. Oh, so they got the wrong guy. Well, at least Lassie was okay. In fact, Shawn marched right up to him, slapped him roughly, before pulling him into a frantic hug. The younger man practically dug his fingernails into him as he buried his face in Lassie's chest.

"I love you so much. But I'm so mad at you right now."

Shawn mumbled and Lassie just pulled him closer as he smiled. Breathing in deeply and hugging Shawn tighter.

"I can live with that."


	4. The Amazing Psych-Man and Tap-Man

**_"I begin to love this little creature, and to anticipate his birth as a fresh twist to a knot which I do not wish to untie." ~Mary Wollstonecraft_**

At twelve weeks the inevitable happened, Shawn's biggest pair of pants just wouldn't button anymore.

All the pregnancy books he consulted, announced that it was 'completely normal' to be experiencing some discomfort as his carrier-uterus expanded to the size of a large grapefruit and migrated to the front and center of his abdomen. What it didn't entail was how fat and bloated it made him feel. Or that eventually, his hugest pair of pants wouldn't button anymore. He tried everything to get it to button, from lying down on his bed to swatting in a sumo wrestler position. Nothing would work. They just wouldn't close anymore. Shawn wriggled out of them and threw them across the room in frustration, before pulling on a pair of forgiving, familiar, checkered pajamas pants. There was no way he was buying...them. Those stupid stretchy-pants that it was common to see pregnant men and women wearing. He was not going to go to that section and buy those freak-pants. It was a matter of principal! Not that he was humiliated in the slightest! Really! Though when he and Gus were chasing after criminals, normal pants would have been beneficial. Then again, not being three months pregnant would've been beneficial too. But he couldn't change that, now could he?

"Stop! Freeze! SBPD!"

Shawn wheezed, but to no avail. The perps weren't stopping and he doubted that they would. Though he couldn't say he blamed them, if he was a criminal, he wouldn't have wanted to stop for the cops either, not even a pregnant guy in pajama pants running as fast as he could. Shawn was yelling at Gus for blowing their cover with all the breath that he could muster at that moment and Gus was trying valiantly to defend himself. At least he was until a stray foot caught Shawn in the shin and he sent both of them toppling forwards at top speed. Note that he hadn't been particularly balanced when he wasn't pregnant, so being pregnant wasn't going to make him any more graceful. Shawn moaned as he struggled to get to his feet, feeling oddly like a turtle flipped onto it's back. He griped at Gus, announcing that the other man had tripped him, whilst Gus argued vice-versa. Even though it was Gus who had pulled a hamstring and was spasming in pain as he lay on the ground. Shawn staggered to his feet and still tried to hurry after the perps. Even though he knew that it was to no avail.

By the time he and Gus had limped after the perps and cornered them into an alley, they were already tied up and propped against the wall. Damn it! Shawn approached them curiously, peering at them intently, one hand unconsciously found its way to his belly and his calloused thumb rubbed little circles into it. That's when he noticed the rolled up little yellow note that was attached to one of them. Shawn walked even closer and tugged it off, ignored the pained whines from Gus who was trying to focus on what his best friend was doing. Once he had it in his hands, Shawn gently unfurled the note as if afraid he would tear the paper. Then he scowled at the heavy-handed writing on the note, before flashing it to Gus, who was still wincing in pain and was shaking his head in disapproval.

"The Mantis."

-**TimeSkip**-

"You tripped!"

"No I did not, Shawn!"

It was the same agreement as the day before and earlier that morning. Shawn was convinced that it had been Gus who had tripped him, and Gus was convinced that it had been Shawn who'd tripped him. They probably would've kept arguing for the rest of the morning if it hadn't been for the herd of reporters that burst in, right after Lassie, Jules and the Chief. But it didn't look like any of them were enjoying being stalked by the reporters, if anything they looked extremely annoyed. Shawn was honestly waiting for his boyfriend to punch one of them in the face, it would've made a wonderful show. But Chief Vick was who seemed the most annoyed at that moment as one of the younger and obviously more green reporters, shoved a microphone in her face and one of the older reporters started hounding her even louder than the rest of the warbling reporters behind him.

"Chief Vick, is it true that the four criminals the vigilante caught are members of the Camino Drug Syndicate?"

The sickeningly sweet smile that Chief Vick sent towards the young man, would've made even Shawn and Gus tremble like toddlers who'd been caught with their hands in the cookie jar. But the young reporter didn't even flinch was he stared down the chief. He obviously knew her, or he wouldn't have been brazen enough to try out such a daring move. Not when the chief could kill him at least two hundred ways...with a rather dull paperclip. But he spoke loudly anyway, only solidifying Shawn's guess that they knew each other. "Reginald, you've been around here long enough to know - I'm not answering that." Everyone could see that the chief was getting very angry, very fast. So Lassie tried to defuse the situation by flanking her and trying to stave off the annoying reporters.

"All right, that's it! Last thing we need is a bunch of reporters twisting our words, especially you copy-monkeys at The Mirror. Don't think I've forgotten about the whole 'Detective Dipstick' incident."

"Chief, can you give us any information? What can you tell us? Have the Caminos really taken control of all cocaine production from rival gangs? Chief, who was the masked man? Should other citizens follow his lead?" But the reporters just kept hounding, kept pushing and pushing at the chief. She just kept repeating, 'No comment.' As if it were a cross to save her from damnation. Then finally, when they proposed that last question. On whether or not other citizens should follow The Mantis' lead. That was when she spoke and had to restrain herself from knocking the reporters' heads together.

"Okay, that I'll comment on. Vigilantism is a dangerous act. The art of apprehending criminals should be left to the police officers who have been adequately trained and equipped." The chief explained, glaring at each one of the reporters in turn. Making them all feel like stupid pesky flies, or perhaps the gum stuck under her shoe. She was very good at being in charge, and very good at making people do only what she wished them too. But then that same reporter who had already pissed off Shawn's boyfriend had to speak and once again ruin Lassie's life by announcing something that he'd written in his report whilst he was a little miffed at Shawn.

"Well, then why does detective Lassiter's report say that the police consultant failed to apprehend the four suspects because he was quote, 'woefully out of shape'?"

"I'm three months pregnant! Just how fast did you expect me to run!?"

Shawn yelled indignantly, glaring daggers at his boyfriend from across the room. One hand was on his belly, while the other was crossed over his chest. Something assured Lassie that his night had just flown out the window. He then proceeded to wave away the reporters, shoving them out the doors of the station in one big pack, wishing that he had an electric cattle prod when he really needed one.

They would pay dearly for ruining his night.

-**TimeSkip**-

The third...the eleventh...the nineteenth..all the drug busts. Shawn was remembering that pattern from somewhere, he'd definitely seen the pattern before. Was it lottery numbers..? No, he would've remembered that off the top of his head. Birthdays? No, he would've remembered that too, and he didn't really care. Then he thought of it! The calendar! The one the Gus' office with all the weird circles in the corners. The third had a half-black and half-white circle, the eleventh had a fully white circle and the nineteenth had a circle that was half-black and half-white too, but the colors were switched so that they didn't match the third's. He remembered that Gus had told him about it once, a while ago and he hadn't been paying a lot off attention at the time. But..."Hey, that calendar in your office..the one that's all looney? When's the next moon-thing?"

"You mean lunar, Shawn. And it's the new moon. It's coming pretty soon actually, the twenty-sixth."

Gus mused, wondering where in the world Shawn was trying to go with all of it. As he watched his best friend breakaway from his side and put his fingers to his temples in his 'psychic guy' mode. Which was kind of nulled by the fact that he was still wearing pajama pants. Shawn was still fighting against the fact that he needed to buy some stretchy pants, but no, he was too prideful to go into the expectant-father's section and buy some damned pants. Honestly, sometimes Gus worried about Shawn having a kid, he was too much of a kid himself. It'd be like the blind leading the blind. Or maybe, the stupid leading the stupid. At least that was what Gus was thinking as Shawn yelled loudly across the station.

"Everyone stop what you're doing and only pay attention to me! I'm getting a clear psychic vision of when the next Camino Drug Bust will take place! September...no...October 26th! Because this is the month of October!"

"Spencer," Lassie started in a chastising tone, but was quickly silenced by the 'you-will-die-sexless-and-alone' look in Shawn's eyes, before clearing his throat and starting again. Unable to hide the fearful tremor in his voice, he wasn't kidding when he said that he was afraid of Shawn cutting off his manhood while he slept. "I mean, honey. You're not even officially assigned to this case. You know the routine, first you..." He was cut off as Shawn turned to his Dad across the room, the older man looked half-asleep with coffee clutched in his right hand and the way he was using the files in front if him as a pillow.

"Dad! Can I please..."

"You're hired!"

His Dad growled, still half-asleep and mad at being woken from his nap. Shawn turned towards Jules and his boyfriend with a cocky smile on his face. Lassie loved that smile. But he hated it when it was used against him. Still, he recognized the stubborn look in his boyfriend's eyes. He wasn't letting it go. Sometimes Shawn was too stubborn for his own good, it was no secret that Lassie wished he could bubble-wrap his boy friend and lock him inside a padded room. If only for the next six months. But he submitted anyway, shaking his head at the younger Spencer.

"Fine. Look into it. Have our eyes and ears out there for any street chatter about another bust or anything going down on the twenty-sixth. Especially large industrial shipments occurring after hours. Nobody breathes a word of this to anybody outside the force."

Lassie reminded them loudly, but then he stopped and stared at the pajama pants that his boyfriend was wearing. They were checkered and slightly faded. Baggy and comfortable as they looked, they had no place in the SBPD building. He opened his mouth to ask about just that, when he caught a look from Gus. It was a look that clearly said, 'don't. But he wouldn't be the head-detective of the SBPD if he didn't take risks, so he spoke anyway.

"Shawn, why are you wearing pajama pants?"

"Ummm...you see Lassie-poo, the pants..."

"He's just embarrassed because his biggest pair of pants can't fit him anymore." Gus blurted out loudly, even though he hadn't meant to be so loud, it seemed as if the entire station turned towards them in that same exact moment. Damn you, Gus! Shawn blushed scarlet and pouted comically like a child, arms crossed on top of his belly. But Lassie's thick eyebrows just furrowed together in confusion. To him and everybody else the answer was simple.

"You had to have known that this was going to happen eventually, why don't you just go out to the expectant-father's section in the mall and get some...?"

"Shhhhhh! Don't you dare say those words! Or I swear Lassie I will never pleasure you in bed again!"

Shawn yelped and that time it was Lassie who turned scarlet and just looked away, sipping deeply from his mug of coffee. But you could still see the tips of his ears burning red as he hurried away. Jules was really bad at hiding her laughter as she hurried after him.

-**TimeSkip(AFewDaysLater)-**

Lassie climbed down the stairs of a dark, abandoned office building. He had backup following him down the stairs, as his gun was poised to shoot. He'd gotten the call that there was another Camino Drug Extraction in progress, that's why he'd come running. Once he reached the foot of the stairs, he made a narrow sweep with his gun. Sweat was beading down from his forehead and slid down to the forefront of his bullet proof vest. But he ignored it as he silently walked forwards in the darkness, that was when he saw the tied-up body of a tan skinned man. He was bald, clean-shaved and dressed in grungy clothes. He had his hands tied behind his back with thick rope, the same went for his sneakered feet and ankles. But to serve as a gag, there was a black piece of fabric wrapped around his mouth and nose. That was how Lassie knew that the Mantis had been there, and he yelled back to the police officers behind him.

"He's been here!"

Then his eyes widened as he saw a dark-clothed body splayed on the ground, just a few feet away. It was turned to the side, halfway into the dark so that Lassie didn't recognize him at first. All he saw was the Mantis as he hurried to the prone man's side, dodging the splayed akimbo legs to bend down beside his head. The building's emergency sirens were screaming and the lights above them were flashing red as Lassie reached down to remove the prone man's mask. Only to reveal...

His boyfriend's face, Shawn Spencer.

Lassie could only think of one thing to say as he grit his teeth and glared down at the familiar face next to him. That if Shawn really was the Mantis, and was constantly putting himself and their unborn child in danger... Oh, he definitely wasn't going to be happy with him. And he'd better go and start looking for a padded room and a ton of bubble wrap.

He was going to need it.

**-TimeSkip(TheNextMorning)-**

Shawn had never be so relieved to see Buzz McNab in his entire life, the young officer was like superman in a uniform as he took off his police jacket to drape it over Shawn's shoulders and head as they hurried up the steps and into the station. The reporters that followed behind them were screaming questions incessantly as Buzz provided himself as a shield to usher Shawn into the station. It was like a mad house and Buzz remarked as such once they got into the station. Asking Shawn if he was alright, did he need something to drink or anything, but the psychic assured him that he was fine and totally safe. But as soon as Buzz was out of hearing range, a hand shot out of the Chief's office and yanked him in as fast as humanly possible. That was how Shawn found himself face-to-face with Gus and his Dad.

"Do you expect anyone to believe that you were the Mantis this entire time?"

"Please! Of course I'm not the Mantis! What have we been doing this whole time...trying to expose him!"

That brought a pair of skeptical looks to the faces of Shawn's Dad and Gus. As Shawn walked over to sit down in a conveniently-placed chair. He was still exhausted from the night before, and hadn't had time to grab anything to eat that morning. Gus must've sensed such a thing, because he seemed to produce a bottle of water and a clearly-labelled organic granola bar out of pure thin air and forced them into Shawn's unwilling hands, with a pointed look at his best friend's currently-occupied stomach as he did so. Shawn opened his mouth to protest and hand them back to his best friend, but it was his Dad who stopped him and shoved the items back into his hands. "Eat, Shawn. No arguments...And if you aren't the Mantis, why were you dressed in his clothes? From the look of it, you're a copy-cat vigilante. Maybe you secretly look up to this guy?"

His Dad and Gus wouldn't leave him alone about the food and wouldn't stop chastising or death-staring at him, until took a deep swig of the water and unwrapped the granola bar and bit into the damned thing. They stopped bugging after that, but they still watched him like hawks until he finished both. As soon as he finished, he was talking about the Mantis thing again.

"Look, I realized the Camino syndicate was going to strike again in one of the main industry buildings, I thought that I could finally expose him by beating the bad guys first and catching him in the act. Just as I thought, he had the same inside information that I did and was already there. First, I used a common combat reaction defense mode, I used my entire body as a weapon. After an epic and very easily matched fight, in which I bit him several times. He sucker-punched me. I woke up with fire-alarms blaring, wearing that stupid painted-on costume. Which means...that he saw me in my underwear. All pregnant and glowy...he must've put on my clothes and blended in with the rest of the crowd on the floor. Dammit! I had a pocket full of gummy bears in that jacket that he probably won't even eat!"

"Shawn, get your story straight. Guster, make sure he eats something more than a granola bar and some water. Honestly, when you weren't pregnant you had nine stomachs but when you are, you're suddenly too busy to eat!"

His Dad grumbled as he turned around on his heels and exited the office, leaving Gus alone with Shawn. The pregnant younger man, pulled himself out of the chair and popped his back before deciding to leave before Gus, but stopped when the younger man caught his arm and yanked him back with a scowl on his face. "Even if you aren't the Mantis, Lassie is going to be super pissed at you, for putting yourself in danger." Shawn blanched at that news and attempted to use Gus as a shield as he exited the office, but to no avail.

"Spencer! What the hell were you thinking? No, I know this one. You weren't thinking at all you ass!"

But his angry yelling was nulled by the fact that, as his voice got louder and louder, his eyes got softer and softer as he walked closer to Shawn. Before colliding with him and wrapping Shawn into a tight hug. Once they were intertwined, Lassie said nothing. The hug was desperate and heavy as he dug his thin fingers into Shawn's back and bent to press his forehead into his boyfriend's clavicle. When Shawn opened his mouth to say something, he was silenced by the deep growl that came from Carlton Lassiter's throat. "Why are you so stupid sometimes? Can't you just stay safe for the next six months? Oh, and I got these for you."

Lassie pulled away from their hug to seemingly produce a pair of extra large jeans from out of thin air. Shawn took them and was speechless. There was exactly nothing he could say in the situation. Accept for one single statement.

"How fat do you think I'm going to get?!"


End file.
